Coughing locomotives spit up soot, lonely tarmac now, that metal shells should choose to run down rails. Empty but for dollar drivers and rocking trailers that lag behind, full of bitter cooking apples swiped from unsuspecting trees.
Full divinity violated by harvest vehicles.
Shonee stands beneath shelter tin roof. Legs cold rigid. Sopping grey matted hair. A glint in his eye like violence, but altogether more entertained. Smoke lungs fogged up. Breathing out into cold air, he looks to time on his wrist, sucking life out from his arteries.
Piya, all black-tinted auburn hair and heels in high abandon, sits quiet. Having seen large stomached workmen sweat, she rests, the day a misadventure of unspent sexuality.
Shonee moves cheek sweeping fingertips, gracing warm touch to white pale skin. Each melanoma riddled form consoled by such meagre acts of sympathy. Though all the while, it strikes, for him, a different cord. Love much less known than fate.
Across the fall land; fields of dry dead sunflowers run down to rusting railway tracks. Cut up by sharp-friendly, lonely-discarded canned soup lids. All becomes smut below this pair of match struck lovers. Held warmth in amber palms. Tampered to the end of firepaper.
Now slack bodies are ill and sour jokes of dreams involving stand-up, sit-down, lay-down visions. All the visions he can muster, with moving picture imagination that now rotted with its own absence. Her face fading with the light. Sleeping, stars appear in velvet-straw lined skies. Clouds speaking silent vespers to a mass of energy that rides them.
Hours late Jenus sings a sutra of battered rhymes along whistle path, coming human interaction, he greets slack and sandy tongues. To wake fallen comrades his noise increases.
Rain falls loud as a pattering life opus. Night glides haphazardly away in a drunken stupor. Morning a racing headache world; where every movement aches.
Behind shelter tin roof and crumble brick walls flies kiss snapped spines that line pebbled banks of twisting writhing stream. Each owing slow mortality to insane Piya’s savagery, blood spatter pearls; a smile to greet each creature’s misery.
Rusty tins hold her ammunition tight packed. While a wailing fence of baby birds, all pinned miniature wings, becomes target to practice shooting. Bones and ribs are smashed smithereens. Squawking mother bird a sound that falls on distant attention spans, next to die she morns crucified chicks, till she herself is stolen from the world.
Other thing’s nightmares all worry like water off crude oil feathers. Night tumbles in, and then morning staggers about till time is idealistic fantasy, and wrinkle lines accepted parts of shattered mirrors.















Comments
i love it!
its got so much in it - the only thing i can think of is that you should develop the characters a bit more and also add a little more description about the place
apart from those two greedy reader comments its FAB!
i love the words you use - and the absence of those other feeble words is evident and a show of your ability as a writer - keep these babies coming
the rest of the poems recently have not AT ALL been to my taste but this just kicks my ass!
LOVE IT
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but I kept reading because it was good stuff. There wasn't anything exciting going on.
-Rin
you have two completely different styles intertwined with in this piece, coherrent and in coherrent. That would be fine if they we seperated better or had some sort of methodic structure, but I can't see it. Examples, " Coughing locomotives spit up soot, lonely tarmac now, that metal shells should choose to run down rails." (Incoherent), "Empty but for dollar drivers and rocking trailers that lag behind, full of bitter cooking apples swiped from unsuspecting trees." (semi-coherrent, only because it is hard to decipher that it is the 'rocking trailers' that are full of bitter cooking apples). I would probably prefer to read this piece in thoroughly incoherent bits, that is punctuated better and broken up into more digestable chunks rather than sweeping lines, which confuse me as to where i should focus your meanings. You should confirm the intentions of all of your words, some don't seem quite right (sutra, which is philosophy written to promote memorization). The honest side of me says that this needs a bit of reworking, and it's not easy to read because it's som clumped together. Unless you are reading this to, I would have no way to tell how you intend this to be paced, and that is critical to how the reader interprets your writing. Use line breaks, more punctuation, anything to tell me where i should our should not pause. Again, digestable chunks. But if you've made it this far into my 'intelligent criticism', I will also tell you that in spite of these flaws, you evoke a somber emotion and do elicit a response, I just wish I also could completely grasp your message. I feel with what you're trying to say, you've actually made this piece too short. If poetry is to artistically tell a person something, it must still in some way be an acurate snapshot, and you my friend used a wide angle lens when photographing the world. Don't be dismayed, I want to see this better, and I will applaude.
or maybe i'm looking at it from the wrong angle completely, and if so I apologize
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